Hey..
- Books
- Late night movies
- Dinner with the friends gang
- A trip to home every alternate weekend
- Countless hours of TV shows
- Visit to libraries, maybe IIT/British Council/US Consulate
- ..........
The list indeed had tangible items that I could do. All I needed was to ignore the voice that was sounding in my head. And the person who was causing it. A diversion, a distraction - that would do it. It would be tough for the first few days, mybe weeks. But as time passed, it will disappear forever. I would hopefully have new problems, new issues, new headaches and would forget that this had ever happened to me.
How could I even let the damn thing start- that too in this final year of college ? She is my best friend, after all. We didnt know each other prior to that. There was something that brought us close - I dunno what. We werent even lab mates or project mates. I cant even recall when we started talking to each other. But I can definitely remember when I discovered when I cant stop talking to her. She went on this camp for 10 days and there was no way to reach her.. I went almost crazy. She was my live-journal. Not a day passed by when I didnt tell her what I had done. And these 10 days, I was so damn restless and I didnt know what to do. And thatz when I realised, I was crossing the line of friendship with her.
There was a voice sounding which said that she was the one for me. And there was the other that said I would maybe jeopardize my entire friendship if I did anything stupid. These voices started waging war inside my head. And I started putting meanings to every action that she did or every word she spoke to me after that.
An innocent coffee at the cafeteria didnt seem innocent anymore. Everytime she touched my arm to comfort me when I was dull, my heart would almost burst. I felt like feeling dull quite often. A glance in between a boring class meant a thousand words. When she called me with a da which she had done for years, it suddenly gave me a sense of belonging. And when she let me call her with a da it gave me a sense of possession. Movies appeared like dates. I started looking out for her face in every group photo. And I didnt let her out of sight on our birthdays.. the weekends.... the week evenings.. all the time.
The war of the voices was going uncontrolled. They were sounding like a Dolby surround stereo from every side. She was my best friend. I just couldnt go and tell her that I loved her. What if she is disappointed with me ? What if she walks off, away, forever ?
And so I made the list. I invented distractions, diversions. I ignored the voice in my head, the feelings in my heart. I avoided everything that reminded me of her. I shied away from everything that involved her. I wasnt me anymore. She never understood why her best buddy had suddenly become weird. And ironically, I couldnt confide this confusion to my best buddy. There were intense conversations, long letters, phone calls with awkward silences, sentimental Hallmark cards & gifts, tearful farewell - sometimes I felt that my heart had burst and there was nothing to worry....
then life passed on, we went our separate ways.
............
Years later, I stand on my patio, on a Sunday morning, with a coffee in hand. My mobile rings and she is on the other line. Her husband is transferred to Chennai. Her brother is engaged. She has bought a new Corolla. Her 2 year old kid is grabbing the phone from her hand and babbling away to glory..... and Iam so happy for her.
Maybe I did a mistake. Maybe I didnt. Maybe she went through the same feelings that I had. Maybe she didnt. Maybe we were meant to be just friends. Of course, the first cut is the deepest, but it was a cut that was all worth it.
Chao...
How could I even let the damn thing start- that too in this final year of college ? She is my best friend, after all. We didnt know each other prior to that. There was something that brought us close - I dunno what. We werent even lab mates or project mates. I cant even recall when we started talking to each other. But I can definitely remember when I discovered when I cant stop talking to her. She went on this camp for 10 days and there was no way to reach her.. I went almost crazy. She was my live-journal. Not a day passed by when I didnt tell her what I had done. And these 10 days, I was so damn restless and I didnt know what to do. And thatz when I realised, I was crossing the line of friendship with her.
There was a voice sounding which said that she was the one for me. And there was the other that said I would maybe jeopardize my entire friendship if I did anything stupid. These voices started waging war inside my head. And I started putting meanings to every action that she did or every word she spoke to me after that.
An innocent coffee at the cafeteria didnt seem innocent anymore. Everytime she touched my arm to comfort me when I was dull, my heart would almost burst. I felt like feeling dull quite often. A glance in between a boring class meant a thousand words. When she called me with a da which she had done for years, it suddenly gave me a sense of belonging. And when she let me call her with a da it gave me a sense of possession. Movies appeared like dates. I started looking out for her face in every group photo. And I didnt let her out of sight on our birthdays.. the weekends.... the week evenings.. all the time.
The war of the voices was going uncontrolled. They were sounding like a Dolby surround stereo from every side. She was my best friend. I just couldnt go and tell her that I loved her. What if she is disappointed with me ? What if she walks off, away, forever ?
And so I made the list. I invented distractions, diversions. I ignored the voice in my head, the feelings in my heart. I avoided everything that reminded me of her. I shied away from everything that involved her. I wasnt me anymore. She never understood why her best buddy had suddenly become weird. And ironically, I couldnt confide this confusion to my best buddy. There were intense conversations, long letters, phone calls with awkward silences, sentimental Hallmark cards & gifts, tearful farewell - sometimes I felt that my heart had burst and there was nothing to worry....
then life passed on, we went our separate ways.
............
Years later, I stand on my patio, on a Sunday morning, with a coffee in hand. My mobile rings and she is on the other line. Her husband is transferred to Chennai. Her brother is engaged. She has bought a new Corolla. Her 2 year old kid is grabbing the phone from her hand and babbling away to glory..... and Iam so happy for her.
Maybe I did a mistake. Maybe I didnt. Maybe she went through the same feelings that I had. Maybe she didnt. Maybe we were meant to be just friends. Of course, the first cut is the deepest, but it was a cut that was all worth it.
Chao...
3 comments:
too good....it kind of reflects my life as well...
looks like the earlier blog about 'roomie in love' is actually you.
I can empathize with you Shiva. From the blog it looks like you have kind of gotten over it. Good for you.
Unfortunately for me, I have not. And I dont think I can. Guess in my case its just not a cut, its a gash.
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